There is a specific kind of “quiet” that comes after cancer treatment, but it isn’t always peaceful. For many, it feels like living with a monster lurking just over your shoulder, silent but present, waiting for the right moment to step back into the light.​

Most people in their thirties are planning their next decade. I’m just trying to plan past my next scan.

​Since my diagnosis my husband and I have started categorizing our entire lives into two eras: BC and AC.

• BC: Before Cancer.
• ​AC: After Cancer.

In the BC era, I didn’t contemplate death daily. I didn’t know what it felt like to have medical trauma woven into my DNA. But in the AC era, mortality is the monster lurking over my shoulder, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike again.​

Most people don’t know what “Scanxiety” is. They see a doctor’s appointment on a calendar and think of a co-pay or a waiting room. I see those dates and get a pit in my stomach that I can’t explain. To me, that date isn’t just a check-up, it’s a potential “Day Zero.” Another moment that could be etched into my history where everything changes forever.​

It is a heavy, exhausting way to live. You spend your days praying for continued remission, while simultaneously waiting for the other shoe to drop. You try to explain the fear to people who haven’t been there, but they just tell you to “stay positive.“​

They don’t realize that “staying positive” is hard when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder at a monster.​

Blood cancer changed our lives. It stripped away the illusion of being invincible. But it also gave us a perspective that most people won’t get for another forty years.

We find the beauty in the mundane. The simple, unhurried moments that others walk right past. It’s a perspective bought at a high price, a clarity that is as beautiful as it is haunting.​

I’m still here. I’m still staring down the monster. And if you’re living in your own “AC” era, I see the fear you hide behind your smile. You aren’t alone.

For those who have faced a ‘life-changing’ moment, how do you handle the anxiety of the unknown?